-
Honestly.. I fear being good at something. So I never focus on one thing, I spread it across a few different things. I’m scared at succeeding and excelling. I fear the attention success could possibly bring. And the expectations that follows. I just want to be good at something. Excel at it. Gain the perks of being successful. But all of the baggage that may come with it can stay where it’s at cause I don’t want it. Id like to live on my own terms. I’m feeling a breakthrough coming this year but omg. I just need things to go right. I get it, life will become tough before the breakthroughs. I thought I could last until 29/30. But my body is begging me. It wants it now. It’s tired, it wants to be free. Just freedom. That’s all. I need to make something. I sooo want to start dancing again too. I need to start. My body is begging for me to start back up again too. But I’m always putting dance on the back burner because that easily brings attention and attention is what I’m weary about. I’m just scared to put myself out there. I want to do another art show too. i need to do something. When I was younger I had stage fright but once I got out in front of people in Most cases it’d go away. I had a dream last night and in my dream my social anxiety was sooooo bad. I started freaking out in public, there were too many people. Not gonna lie, off the back I know that I’ll be the artist that’s MIA. For that one show I did I did not stay near my work. I enjoyed the event and found spots in the space where I could observe my observers without them knowing I was the artist. It was refreshing. It took the edge of anxiety off too. Ugh. I need to figure out my life sooner than later. My mind is telling me 30 but my body is telling me now. Soooo I obviously have things I need to sort out. Sheeshhhh.
-
Ever so often I wish my life was different. But I can’t do anything about what’s already done. So I’m just determined that I’ll make sure my children get something different.
-
I just want my days to be filled with projects. Projects projects projects.
-
I’ve been feeling like this all summer but really all year. Trying to find a way to reserve my time for myself. I’m tired of lending my time and energy that I’ll seriously never get back to people/companies that don’t care about me. This isn’t an ideal life. I’ve wasted too much time of my life on people and places that I’m only tolerating. Nothing that I actually enjoy. And what I enjoy always seems to be out of reach. even as I get closer to it it still seems out of reach. I want freedom. I want my time and my energy to belong to me. Slavery is still lingering in this country, it’s just disguised. I’m so sick. literally been feeling sick these last few months. What the heck.
-
I need time. I wish I got to experience quarantine in 2020. That’s all the time I would’ve needed. Going back to work during that time only provided promotions for me within the company and a little something to add to my resume. Nothing actually tangible. So was it pointless? I would say so because I have nothing to show for it. And it annoys tf out of me cause I could’ve done so much with that time but instead I was clocking in and out of somebody’s business instead of making real moves on my life. Ive been struggling with the reality of this all summer. My body and my mind is begging me to take my time and work on my stuff but my bills and my belly is telling me i need to still clock in and out to get things done in my life. Idk wtf to do. But I’ve been exhausted all 2021. This isn’t even okay. I need rest and a change of pace. 2021 has been exhausting as hell. Very draining. I’m approaching the end of the year with no energy.
-
Omg.
